Center.

Well it's been quite a while since I wrote my last blog. So much has happened...I don't think I could even begin to talk about all God has done. Praise Him for doing all of it though! 


That being said, recently God has been showing me that this life really is not about me or what I want. This may sound very basic...kind of like a church answer that everyone should know. But head knowledge and actually believing/living something out are two extremely different things. 


It is so easy for me to tell God He can live in the rooms of my heart where it is "comfortable" for Him to be in, but when He wants to move into the other rooms that I have hidden and locked the doors to, it gets sticky. It perplexes me why I so often keep the door locked even when I know I need to let Him in to invade so I can become more like Jesus. He is GOD. He KNOWS my future. What can I hide from Him? It's not like I can change His plan by holding onto something in my life. But for some reason it is so difficult for me to truly let go of something and entrust it to Him, especially when I am hurting and confused. 


One thing Jesus has been breaking the wall down of is my adamant hold on doing what I want with my life. I think God can use me wherever I end up, but it's whether I am being MOST effective where I am or not. (My thoughts are somewhat jumbled, so I apologize if this doesn't come out clearly.) I know that God has me where I am right now to do what He has me to do- and that is to let Jesus shine through me in every way. But when the earthquake hit Turkey, I once again was hit with the overwhelming truth that probably most of the people who died did not know Jesus. They are dead. And they do not know Jesus. What? How did God let that happen? Why didn't He allow it to happen over here in America where most people have at least heard about Jesus? These were the thoughts running through my head when I first heard the news. I know tragic things like this happen all the time, but it just hit me so hard that week. But I was reminded by God that He is STILL good and STILL faithful and I may not understand why He allowed it to happen, but I know that whatever happens is or will bringing Him GLORY. That is what it is all about anyways- His glory.


Still contemplating these thoughts, I was drawn back to why I am here on this earth. It is not to get an education and live a comfortable life with "my prince charming" and raise kids in a white-picket fenced house and take them to church and teach them to be "good little kids". I'm not saying any of these things are bad (...maybe with the exception of the comfortable life), but if my focus is not on JESUS all the time and in every situation, then what is the point of my life? Am I living to please man or Christ? If I am trying to please man I am not a servant of God. The point of life is to GO spread the GOOD NEWS that JESUS has DIED and He is RISEN! We can be washed clean! But how can people believe if they have never heard of Jesus? And how do they hear except someone telling them about Him? My assumption is that we have heard all the verses about how we need to "go" and "preach to the uttermost parts of the earth" but so many times (myself included) we think that is for the "missionaries" and the people who are "called by God to do that sort of thing". Except for one thing....God didn't say "Oh hey, maybe if you want to, it would be cool if SOME of you Christ-followers would go tell people everywhere about me." NO! He said, "Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:19-20) It's not a fluffy thing. It's a commandment. If you are a follower of Christ...Go. Everywhere. Preaching His Gospel. And He will be with us (so comforting by the way!).


So.....been really convicted of that. Because in my mind I'm often thinking, "Well God, what about what I want? Ever since I was a little girl I desired to find my 'prince charming' and live happily ever after...why can't I just do that FIRST and then go follow you?" We all have our "I'll follow you Jesus, but first let me...(fill in the blank)." But Jesus says, "No one who puts a hand on the plow and looks back is fit for the service of the kingdom of God." Can you say CONVICTING?? It truly is not about what I want for my life. Because my life is dead and it's Christ's life that is living in me! His plan HAS to come first to truly love Him and really conform to what He looks like. 


Ok so what now? Yes, when people look at me I want them to see Jesus shining through me and nothing else. Yes, I do not want any part of me or my sinful flesh to exist anymore. No, I do not want to see any more people die without even hearing the name of Jesus and what He has done for us. But what is the next step? Do I drop out of school to go somewhere where I can be telling people of the hope Jesus gives? Do I stay and "get an education" that is supposedly so important? Honestly, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. 


I was praying during the worship this past Sunday at Sunnybrook. And this is very stupid of me to do, but I was praying about what I'm supposed to do and I asked God to give me a "sign"...to either pick up everything and go or stay. I know that I am supposed to go, but I do not know when or if my "going" is here in Stillwater because there are plenty of people here who do not know Jesus. The next song that they sang was "Center". If you've never heard it, it goes, "You're the center of the universe, everything was made in You, Jesus. Breath of every living thing, everyone was made for You...CHRIST be the CENTER of our lives, be the place we FIX OUR EYES. BE THE CENTER OF OUR LIVES....We lift our eyes to heaven, we wrap our lives around YOUR life." I laughed...and cried......God was showing me that I don't have to know exactly what to do right at this very moment. He was reminding me all I have to do is fix my focus on Him and wrap my life and everything I do to His life and what He did. He is CENTER. When He is center, I don't have to see where He is leading me because HE sees! Even if it's blurry to me right now, I know He is guiding my every step. In Isaiah 30:21 it says, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" Wow. So encouraging!! He will never leave me to figure out what I'm supposed to do. He opens doors and he closes doors. I just need to be looking to Him and LISTENING to the Holy Spirit's guidance as to what I am to do in THIS moment. 


Sorry this is a forever long blog. This has just been heavy on me.  
God bless and love you all!