Faithful.

"If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself."                  {2 Timothy 2:13}

Have you ever had one of those moments where you feel so disgusted with yourself for not speaking up and telling someone about Jesus? I have. Today. It was pitiful.  


While I was reading my Bible at Barnes and Noble, a woman walked over to me and started talking. I could not understand her due to her thick accent and asked her to repeat herself again. This woman was from "Islan" (don't know what she meant by that...) and she was asking if I would write on some cards for her because she does not know how to write in English very well. I was happy to help her! Apparently, she used to live in Oklahoma a few years ago before her husband passed away. She came back to visit his grave cite and was staying with one of her husbands close friend for three weeks. Her plans were cut short, however, when she found out about "an emergency" concerning family back home. She has to return home a week early this Friday, much to her displeasure. She was the sweetest thing and was so funny! She insisted on paying me for "being an angel" by helping her. I did not want to take her money, but she would not leave without me taking it. I wished her a good and safe trip home, shook her hand, and she went on her way.


The ironic thing about all of this is earlier on my way to Barnes and Noble, I prayed that I would get a chance to speak to someone about the Gospel. I felt God saying "you are probably going to have to GO speak to someone..." and I, in my utter laziness, prayed that it would be super great if He just caused someone to just come up to me (I'm ridiculous...I know). I quickly prayed again...."scratch that........that was stupid and I'm so sorry that I am so lazy sometimes." I sat at that Barnes and Noble for a few hours reading my Bible, journaling, and praying. I half-way did not expect anything to happen today, but a woman, who I have no idea if she has even heard the name of Jesus, walked right up to me. What a PERFECT opportunity to share Jesus!!! Did I take it? No. I was so nervous that I would upset her (Jesus tends to stir things up a bit--which...I'm thankful for) that I just did not say a thing to her about the most precious thing in my life- Jesus. I could not seem to figure out a way to bring it up without it being "weird". I'm a coward. 


God is so faithful. He even answered by LAZY PRAYER by causing a woman to come to ME! How ridiculous am I that I cannot speak to a woman who I will probably never meet again?? He is faithful even when I am faithless. Why couldn't I have just said "can I share something with you?" It's that simple! I know we all mess up, but for some reason this one really hit me. I do not know this woman and I could not tell you if she is saved or not, but I have been praying for sweet Estie all day that one day her eyes will be open to the Gospel and Jesus Christ who saves. 


It seems I have to learn things the hard way to really understand what God wants me to know. God is faithful even when I am faithless. I praise Him that I cannot mess up His plan, and I pray that God will bring someone else in Estie's life that will speak the word of truth to her. 

Vast.

"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and am still with you." {Psalm 139:17-18}

This verse basically describes how I have been feeling the past few weeks. God is SO big. He has so much that He wants to share with me and grow me in. I was reading 1 Corinthians the other day and was overwhelmed by how much was in just one chapter. I know that I've experienced this before and I hear all the time about how "every time I read a verse in the Bible I get something new out of it", but these past few weeks have been CRAZY. And it's funny because whenever God wants me to see something He follows me around with it. For example, I was reading Philippians with Sharay on the last day I was visiting her, and so many new things stuck out to me that never had before. And it is sooo applicable for what I am about to do this summer. "Not that I am speaking out of need, for I have learned in WHATEVER situation I am to be CONTENT. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." I have heard this passage countless times, but this time it stuck me differently. It does not matter what you are going through- whether hungry or have a full stomach. It matters about who you are placing your TRUST in....is it in Jesus or is it in that food? So convicting! I just thank the Lord that He is opening my eyes to things more and more each day! I mean, He's got a vast amount of thoughts right? He never runs dry. He is the wellspring!

"Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!"      {Psalm 139: 23-24}

 It makes sense that God, having vast thoughts, would know my thoughts. This is quite...well...not scary, but maybe...checking? God knows my thoughts. Hmmmm...how many thoughts do I have that are definitely NOT glorifying to His name? The verse above is my prayer though...that He would see in me any grievous way and that He would correct me and LEAD me on the righteous path!! I thank God that He does lead us! He doesn't just let us wallow in our "grievous way", but He hedges up a way that leads us to be more like Him. It's not just one-sided however. We have to move our feet too....

I can't believe it's already almost been a month since school got out....just a reminder of DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE!! I can't take for grantid the vast sum of God's thought....I need to make them precious in my life and live them out, on God's strength.
God bless :)

Seek.

"I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure." [Psalms 16:8–9] 

Question: why is it so difficult for me to allow God to be first place in my life? It's not like anything I've ever tried to put in His rightful spot has ever satisfied me, yet I'm still sitting here attempting to shove things before Him in my life in attempts to fill me up. It's a perplexing issue because whenever He is first, my heart IS glad and my whole being DOES rejoice (as the verse says above). I feel secure in the fact that I will never be shaken with Him. Whenever I place relationships, guys, vanity, material items or what-have-you before Him it is in that time I feel the most insecure. I find myself judging the people around me and judging myself even more severely. WHY?? So frustrating. I suppose prayer would be a good place to start in allowing Him to be where He should in my life. I need to remember that it's not me who I should be concerned about, but Christ. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!! I feel like that could never be beaten into my brain enough. It's not only about how I feel whenever I put God first, but I should do it because HE DESERVES IT. He has bought me...I'm not my own anymore. My rightful response to Him should be total submission to Him; anything else would be inappropriate.

"For what we proclaim is not of ourselves, but JESUS CHRIST as LORD, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies."    [2 Corinthians 4:5-10]

I've read this so many times, but it has been burning on my mind today in a new way. First of all...a little bit of what I have already said: we don't proclaim ourselves! We proclaim CHRIST because He is worth it!! Also, for me it is so easy to think that the "light" that the Bible talks about in reference to Christians (such as "you are the light of the world") is just coming from inside of who I am. It is so easy to forget that it is GOD who makes your light shine in the first place! It's not about how good I am or what I did for God today...it's a never ending light that comes naturally because the Holy Spirit dwells in me. That was kind of a side note, but it just struck me how it says God has shown in our hearts. He is the one who is doing all the shining. 

My Bible commentary says this super cheesy line, but it is so true. "Paul reminds us that though we may think we are at the end of the rope, we are never at the end of our hope." God never leaves us...even if we think we are "too far gone". There is always hope because Christ has beaten death and sin! I love the contrast in the verse: afflicted in every way, but not crushed. Persecuted, but not forsaken. Here on earth, I will always struggle with my flesh and wanting to go back to my earthly way in sin. On earth I am also not above suffering, but Christ never leaves! He is always there by my side. He is my strength. In Him I find my hope even if there is no other "silver lining" in sight (as if we needed anything else...).

Oh that Jesus might be made clear in my life! The last part of that verse is super amazing. We carry around the message of Jesus' DEATH so that we can show His LIFE to all around us! I fall terribly short of that, but I pray that I conform more and more to HIS true image and His life daily. He deserves it. 

Reflections

This year has been so amazing! I cannot believe I have completed my first year of college. It's weird...But God has been so faithful throughout everything. He showed me that HE alone is my Provider and that I cannot rely on anyone else but Him. At the beginning of the year, I was so worried that I would not have enough scholarship money to pay for all my schooling and I was freaking out because I did not know how I was going to get the money to pay for the rest that was not paid for. (I really did not want to take out a loan.) But when the first week of school rolled around, I found out from the office of financial aid that I had all of it paid for in scholarships- I even had extra from the scholarships that I got back in cash! As you can imagine, I was in shock! Things like that kept me not only leaning hard on God and trusting that everything was going to work out, but also showed me how GOOD He is! 


The year has brought on a number of other great things- like amazing friends. God has truly been faithful to me in the friendship area. I was blessed to know quite a few people going into school from either SWCS or HBC (Ashley, Emily, Daniel, Macall, Heather, and Catherine). I have also made some pretty wonderful friends who I did not know before. I met an awesome girl through classes, Kenzie. She is so sweet and I'm so glad to have met her! I was so fortunate to have a really great roommate, Catherine. I knew her before, but it was so great to get to spend a year rooming with her! I also met two really awesome ladies, Shelby and Sharay. I met Sharay at through a ministry called Navigators on campus and Shelby was Sharay's roommate. They are so funny and I love being around them because I can just be myself- no facades. :) It's just great to look back and see all the blessings God has given me- He is so faithful! 


This year has been difficult, however, in many aspects. As probably many of you know, I am deeply involved in my home church, Heritage Baptist. I have grown in the Lord so incredibly much there and the people are like family. I was like a home-sick child at a slumber party. It was extremely difficult going to Stillwater, in fact I though about transferring after the first semester to UCO to be closer to HBC. I did not want to be there at all, but I knew God wanted me in Stillwater. I had visited many churches at the beginning of the year, but none that I felt like I fit. A lot of that was due to the fact I was critically comparing them to HBC in many ways and I was still heavily involved. Finally, at the end of the year, I decided that I had to just start going to a church and I began praying that God would show me what church I could plug in to. I visited Sunnybrook church at the beginning of the year and liked it, but was too critical to see that God was calling me there. I let my own bias ruin a lot time that I could have spent growing in the Lord and encouraging others in their walks as well. I decided at the end of the year to visit once more and just give it another chance. I don't know what it was (actually, yes I do- it was God), but when I visited I felt strongly that I need to be at Sunnybrook. So even though I did not get to plug in deeply there yet, at least I know where I will be going next school year. :)


There are many other things that God has been showing me this year, but I feel like it would take all day to type out. :) I'm so glad it is summer and I cannot wait to see what He will be doing in and through me.